Thursday, February 6, 2014

and that's the way the (girl scout) cookie crumbles...

As usual, I'm sitting in my Weather class doing anything but paying attention. However, I overhear my professor use the word "thin" as I'm pulling out a piece of mint gum from my backpack, and BAM. Thin Mints. All of a sudden, I need Thin Mints. I know that Girl Scout Cookie season is just around the corner, so I take a cyber-trip to their website to find out when my favorite overpriced sweets will be making their way to the U District QFC... only to find out that the NATIONAL GIRL SCOUT COOKIE WEEKEND begins tomorrow! Aka, you bet I'm gonna share this wonderful news with my 6 followers. You're welcome.

In honor of National Girl Scout Cookie Weekend, I've decided to rank each cookie. Of course, this ranking is my own personal opinion, so you don't have to agree. But you probably should because I'm 99% positive I'm right. Also, I realize that this is me criticizing cookies, and I hate being a critic, but c'mon... they're cookies.

(there are actually 12 different types of cookies, but TBH, Savannah Smiles and Cranberry Citrus Crisps are a waste of everybody's time)

10. Thank U Berry Munch: I actually really enjoy cranberries, but I don't love them in my cookies. I've tried these cookies and they're honestly kinda plain and dry, like most people in life.
PROS: white chocolate chunks, cranberries make it seem semi-healthy, teaches the girls money management (what?)
CONS: guaranteed to CRUMBLE AND DIE in milk, cranberries make it seem semi-healthy

9. Dulce de Leche: I applaud these cookies on being multi-cultural. I've never had these, but I imagine they're overly sweet. Awesome if eaten in small doses (but honestly, who eats only a few cookies at a time?).
PROS: good for GSC for being "inspired by the classic Latin American confection," only cookie with caramel chips, provides the girls with people skills... lol
CONS: meh, they seem like the type of cookie that would get old after awhile

8. Thanks-A-Lot: These cookies only beat out Dulce de Leche because they're EXTRA multi-cultural. Each cookie says "Thank You" in various languages such as English, French, Chinese, Swahili, and Spanish. Flavor is simple but classic: shortbread with fudgy bottom (<-- lol ew).
PROS: i would probably never learn how to say "Thank You" in Swahili if it weren't for these cookies
CONS: i feel like they're being exclusive by not making cookies in like, EVERY language

7. Chocolate Chip Shortbread: I would say this is the meat and potatoes cookie of the Girl Scouts, but it's gluten free. Therefore, it's the health-conscious yogi zen master of the Girl Scouts. I slotted this cookie at 7 because I'm supposed to be gluten free and 7 is a great number. I should be on this cookie's jock, but it's "healthy" and I get weirded out by healthy cookies.
PROS: it's gluten free! also, it's the only chocolate chip cookie sold by GSC
CONS: not nearly as good as a gluten-filled cookie, chocolate chip cookies are better when they're soft (not shortbread smh)

6. Lemonades: I freaking LOVE lemon-flavored food, and lemon cookies are light, tasty, and dainty. I feel girly when I eat them and that's not a bad thing. Lemonades are basically lemon Oreos. Savannah Smiles are lemon-flavored too, but I kicked them off the list because they're covered in confectioners sugar and I always inhale that powdery poison and choke on it. So no.
PROS: not all cookies have to be sweet and rich, zesty time
CONS: contrary to its name, Lemonades do NOT work with lemonade

5. Tagalongs: I think Tagalongs are a favorite among many, but they're kind of just trying too hard for me. GSC's website says these cookies help the girls with decision-making skills, but Tagalongs are ANYTHING but good at making decisions. Too many ingredients. We all know there's only one GSC that's allowed to be all over the place...
PROS: chocolate and peanut butter is AMAZE, has a cool name
CONS: cookie WILL MELT in your warm little fingers. it's the only way. cookies are kinda fat so you don't get as many in each box

4. Trefoils: Talk about a classy cookie. When I eat a Trefoil, I'm like "it's time for midday tea, mother!" Also, I have a British accent and a poodle. But I think poodles are ugly so obviously I live in an alternate universe when I eat Trefoils.
PROS: takes you to another world, simple, smooth, buttery flavor
CONS: idk, are these also kinda stuck-up for being so elegant? some people may find them extremely boring

3. Do-Si-Dos: Like Lemonades, these cookies are the Oreos of peanut butter. There's no greater sensation than splitting the two sides of the cookie, eating the peanut butter alone, then regretting it because you have to eat the cookies alone, too. Nothing better. Peanut butter can stand alone. It doesn't need chocolate to make it special (that was a dig at Tagalongs, fyi).
PROS: peanut butter lovers UNITE!
CONS: the cookie is kind of oatmealy, so that could be a problem if you don't like oatmeal

the top two cookies are - and always will be - a toss-up, but today, this is what i'm feeling.

2. Thin Mints: Thin Mints are my typical go-to GSC. Being that these cookies inspired me to write this post, they should be slotted at #1. However, not everybody loves minty food. And for that reason, they don't get to be top cookie. Nevertheless, Thin Mints are bomb because they're chocolatey but not too chocolatey, fresh and light without tasting like toothpaste, and perfect as a post-meal snack.
PROS: they're thin so you get a lot per box! mint chocolate will make everyone want to kiss you
CONS: mint isn't for everybody, the corners of your mouth will absolutely be coated in chocolate (but hey, that's no problem because people will just kiss you and it will go away #fullcircle)

1. Samoas: Is there a cookie out there that is more perfect than a Samoa? I. Don't. Think. So. A Samoa is extremely complex and chaotic, from its caramel coating to its mess of coconut to its weird, linear chocolatey design. It has more baggage than an airport, but I am ALL. IN. Samoas are unique and visually pleasing. They're chunky and beautiful. There's more to love, really. Don't act like you didn't stick your unwashed finger into the hollow part of the cookie and twirl it like a pinwheel as a kid after playing with your germy neighborhood friends outside all day (praying that wasn't just me). I didn't even like coconut when I was little and I loved these cookies. They simply can do no wrong. They're team players, partnering up with anything from milk to ice cream to water to orange juice (honestly i just love orange juice and can drink it with anything). And for all you adults out there, I doubt you will find a cookie that pairs better with your burnt drip coffee or double shot of whiskey. I haven't tried it, but I DARE you to.
PROS: eating a Samoa can make someone feel like everything is right in the world
CONS: none haha duh

Now that that's over, I can't believe I just did that.